By Sister Annabel Laity in September 1991
I accept the cancer in this body,
Knowing that it is not me.
Hand in hand we play and practice together,
That all who suffer may be free.
NAMO RATNATRAYAYA
I pay respect to the three jewels
NAMO ARYA AVALOKITESVARYA,
Respect to the noble Avalokita
BODHlSATTVAYA, MAHASATTVAYA,
The Awakened Being, the Great
MAHAKARUNIKAYA.
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By Sister Annabel Laity in September 1991
I accept the cancer in this body,
Knowing that it is not me.
Hand in hand we play and practice together,
That all who suffer may be free.
NAMO RATNATRAYAYA
I pay respect to the three jewels
NAMO ARYA AVALOKITESVARYA,
Respect to the noble Avalokita
BODHlSATTVAYA, MAHASATTVAYA,
The Awakened Being, the Great
MAHAKARUNIKAYA.
Being of Great Compassion.
When there is great suffering, we can remember that there is great compassion. Maybe we think that the two are separate but, in fact, great compassion is made up of the elements which are found in great suffering. In a place where there is much pain, on the battlefield, for example, we may think that there is no compassionate being and that we have to go away from the conflict to some other place to find the Great Compassionate One. In fact, the elements of great compassion are right there. It is just that we do not yet have the depth of insight to see, realize, and put into action the Being of Great Compassion. When we do have insight we see that Avalokita can grow out of the very elements out of which the suffering has grown. This is partly because if there were no suffering, there would be nothing to feel compassion for. So we evoke the name of the Compassionate One in great mindfulness, and it reminds us that great compassion is right here, where we are evoking that name. The Bodhisattva of Compassion can be male or female or can be thought of as both one and the other. When we call on the bodhisattva Avalokita we say that s/he is the one who is able to leap beyond all fear. We say that s/he is able to explain clearly the deep meaning of non-duality. The understanding of nonduality enables us to make the leap beyond fear. Much of our mental suffering when we are ill is due to fear and our physical suffering is only made worse by our mental suffering. So we leap beyond fear by seeing that there is no duality called self and other.
I am not the cancer in this body. When we have an idea of "I," we attach that idea of "I" to different things at different times. The idea of "I" is like a circumference making what is inside the circle separate from what is outside. The notion may be that I have cancer so "I" becomes bounded by the concept "have cancer." We can look deeply at ourselves to find out if in fact we are bounded and separate from the rest of the universe. Consciousness is greater than the bounds of self. For example, if we are sick, we can fall asleep and dream that we are in good health and feeling perfectly well. Deep in our consciousness are the seeds of health and when, in our waking life, we are in touch with the wonderful things around us, then we are in touch with those seeds of health in our consciousness.
There is a meditation taught by the Lord Buddha to see the elements of earth, water, fire, and air in our body, and when we do this meditation, we are aware of the earth in the fields as well as the dust and ashes that our body will become after death; we are aware of the water in our blood, urine, and saliva as well as the water in the rivers, clouds, and sea; the warmth in our body and the warmth coming from the sun; the oxygen in our lungs and blood and the oxygen in the breeze around us. The more we do this meditation, the more we begin to see in our everyday life that there is no circumference separating a circle of "I" from the rest of the universe.
Just as in sickness there are always the seeds of health, so in health there are always the seeds of sickness. But some of us are very afraid of those, and we bury them in our consciousness, trying not to let them come up into our awareness. But that does not mean that they are not there, and the repression of our fear of them does not make for spiritual wholeness and sanity. It was therefore a healing meditation in the time of the Lord Buddha and still is a healing meditation today to remind ourselves every day of five things which are inevitable for us as human beings. One of those five things is: This body and this mind are of such a nature that there is no way I can avoid sickness. It is rather like saying that when I cut myself there is no way the blood will not come out. Under certain conditions I shall inevitably fall sick and those conditions could arise at any time. In my own experience, this meditation, far from being pessimistic, gives me much energy and a great appreciation of my present good health. Since I know that tomorrow I could fall sick, I make use of and enjoy my good health today to a much greater extent than I would if I repressed my fear of being sick. Because we are afraid of ill-health, we tell ourselves that others may get sick but we shall not, and we close our eyes to the seeds of sickness in ourselves. Our spiritual doctor, the meditation teacher, wants to open our eyes to that fear and that is why we remind ourselves of our inevitable sickness every day. When we are in touch with the reality that at any time we could fall sick, we take much better care of our health and we see the preciousness of the days when we are healthy and do not waste them in unnecessary pursuits.
On the other hand, when we are sick we know that there are seeds of health in the sickness, and we are not drowned in our ill-health. We breathe in and out, and we say: I accept the cancer in this body. We breathe in and out and we say: Knowing that it is not me. With that we come to the third line of the gatha.
Hand in hand we play and practice together. Someone told us that when he had cancer he had to undergo chemotherapy once a week. The experience was so painful and exhausting that he thought every week that surely this time he would die. Although the treatment only took place once a week, the other six days of the week he lived in fear and mental anguish about the treatment day. After a while he realized that he was wasting his life, which was so precious, in anxiety, and he decided to remain in touch with the present moment and not let his mind stray into the future at all. He did this, and for six days of the week he was free from his fear. But on the night of the sixth day the fear became stronger and manifested again. Gradually on the night of the sixth day, he no longer had fear because he was able to hold onto the practice of breathing and being in touch. But what about one hour before the treatment, one minute before the treatment, one second before the treatment? He realized that these too were precious moments and moments of not too much physical pain. So, as if the practice of dwelling in the present moment were his life belt to stop him from drowning in the sea of mental anguish, he held on tightly to it and did not drown. It is like a meditation suggested by the Lord Buddha. Practice mindfulness as if you were carrying a jar full to the brim with oil and if you spill one drop, there is someone with a sword right behind you to cut off your head.
To be in touch, we can use many exercises. Seeing the sunlight falling on the wall we could do these exercises:
1) Aware of my eyes, I breathe in.
Smiling to my eyes, I breathe out.
2) Aware of the sunlight, I breathe in.
Smiling to the sunlight, I breathe out.
3) Aware of the impermanence of my eyes, I breathe in.
Smiling to the impermanence of my eyes, I breathe out.
4) Aware of the impermanence of the sunlight, I breathe in.
Smiling to the impermanence of the sunlight, I breathe out.
At death, the eyes decompose, we are aware of this. How precious it is to have eyes now! At nightfall, the sun goes. But just as the sunlight returns at dawn, so the new-born baby has new eyes to look on the world. If we are too sick to work or be very active, we have so much opportunity to devise meditations like the above and to practice them in order to see deeply into the nature of non-duality and to be free of fear. The ears and sound, the nose and smell, the tongue and taste, and the body and touch; all of them can be used as meditations to be in touch with seeds in our consciousness. Someone who comes to visit and sit with the cancer patient could read these exercises aloud as the other practices them. We need to be in touch with our sickness, and to be in touch is not to fight. We need to be in relationship with our sickness in its various stages. It should be a relationship of tenderness and understanding.
1) Aware of the pain in my body, I breathe in.
Smiling to the pain in my body, I breathe out.
2) Aware that this is physical pain, I breathe in and out.
3) Aware that it is only physical pain, I breathe in and out.
When we are advised in the Satipatthana Sutta to be "aware of the body in the body," it means the observer and the observed have become one and the observer is not standing outside the body in order to observe it but in fact has become one with the body in order to observe it; so there is just the meditation going on with no room for judgment and expectation. One day the master Mao Tsu was not in good health and was asked by his assistant how he was feeling. His reply was "Day is being face to face with Buddha. Night is being face to face with Buddha." That is to say that when we are really practicing we are in touch with the Awakened Mind whether we are in good or in bad health.
That all who suffer may be free. This is a deep cry from the bottom of our heart. Why do we practice? Whether we are in good health or in bad health, we practice to be happy and for all other beings to be happy. How can we be happy when we know that others are suffering? If one finger is in pain then all the other fingers on the hand are unhappy. When we practice according to this gatha, we have the heartfelt wish to be free from this suffering and for no one else to have to suffer like this again. So we have become the bodhisattva who is free from fear and is able to bring the gift of fearlessness to others.
Many people are doing wonderful work in the field of helping those who are suffering, are realizing many miracles, and have peace and joy for themselves while witnessing the growing peace and joy in those they are helping. Working with the sick and dying is something Buddhism and other religions can join together to do. In this field of engaged practice, we can realize our ideal of compassion as Buddhists or Christians or as those who have no named religion at all.
Annabel Laity is a Buddhist nun who resides in Plum Village, France. She is the translator of many books by Thich Nhat Hanh. This essay is adapted from a Dharma talk given last summer upon receiving the Dharma transmission lamp from Thay.
The Five Remembrances
1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill-health. There is no way to escape having ill-health.
3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
4. All that is deaf to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.
