By Jessica Semaan 

Several years ago, I spent two weeks at Plum Village. I came to recover from burnout; what I found was not only wisdom and practice around how to be present with life, but also wisdom on love. While the nuns had to abstain from any kind of romantic or sexual activities, they shared heartfelt and grounded advice about dating and romantic relationships. Because they must face their desire for romantic love by looking into it deeply and by cultivating love for the community, they are well equipped to answer any questions about breakups, marriages, and dating. 

The Surprising Effect of Asking Why 

When I get attracted to someone, I stop and ask myself why before taking it to the next level. It is easy to attribute it to magic, intuition, or chance. But when I actually ask myself why, it gives me clarity and honesty. 

According to one of the senior nuns, more often than not when she is attracted to someone, she realizes she is actually attracted to a quality they have that she wishes she had in herself. Instead of clinging to the idea of being with that person, she cultivates the quality in herself. When I applied the advice to myself, I realized that in my relationships that did not last, the attraction was an expression of my loneliness. 

The Importance of Slowing Down 

Instead of jumping in too quickly, I’m mindful in every encounter and conversation I have with a person I like. Getting to know someone deeply cultivates understanding and acceptance, which are the basis for true love. It also shows care and respect for them. 

True love, in the nuns’ definition, is the love lasts even when the passion fades. It is independent of sexual attraction. 

Manage Our Anger, Not the Relationship 

During the retreat, I learned that a relationship is not about escaping our feelings. It is about being with them and getting to know them. One of the main feelings I have as a human being is anger. Instead of lashing out at my partner or hiding it, when I feel it, I check to be sure that I feel anger and then excuse myself or even ask for time off. I can go for a walk or a run, and take as much time as we need. 

The teaching recommends I tell my partner that I am angry and suffering, and I need time to calm down. In this way, I own my feelings and do not try to fix the other person’s feelings. Instead, I create clarity so I can go back to love and resolve the situation. 

We Don’t Need to Be in a Relationship to Love 

The way to truly love starts with truly loving ourselves, our parents, and our community. This kind of love, based on understanding, and the four brahmaviharas—loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity—is what makes romantic love deep and long-lasting. 

Whenever I am practicing loving myself, I am becoming a better partner or a better partner-to-be. I don’t need to jump into a relationship to experience and practice love. I can start by simply looking in the mirror. 

Don’t Feed Our Craving for Romance 

The nuns don’t listen to love songs, watch romantic comedies, or gossip. In their own words, these feed the craving for intensity and the type of romance that leaves us heartbroken or in unhappy relationships. We underestimate the power of what we passively consume and how it affects our perceptions and desires. 

If little girls watch movies about Prince Charming, they are very likely to look for him when they grow older, but the truth is there’s no Prince Charming; there are only human beings. As a woman, I don’t need to be saved by a prince. I find it particularly interesting that, as an adult, I often get my craving for romance awakened after indulging myself in looking at weddings on Facebook. 

When I look back at my life since going to Plum Village, I feel an initial disappointment that I am single. However, a lot has changed. I came out as queer; I am now a therapist-in-training; and I wrote a book. Most importantly, I can say I deeply love myself, and I cultivate daily within me the qualities that I have been seeking outside of myself. 

REPRINTED WITH THE AUTHOR’S PERMISSION. 

Jessica Semaan is a writer, poet, and performer. She was born in Lebanon and resides in San Francisco. Her debut illustrated book of poetry, Child of the Moon, is available in all bookstores.